i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
