by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
