the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
