OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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