I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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