He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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