I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
She's the barista slut.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Randomize
