She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My ass is underappreciated
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
