My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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