Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
