Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
