That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
