Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
