Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
