im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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