when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
