She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
