His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
