She said her name was "party"
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
