god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
