he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
