"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
