It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
