I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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