if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
