it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
