I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
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