My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
my liver is dry heaving
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
