god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
