my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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