you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
