I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
