Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
