Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
