He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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