1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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