Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
