just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
