I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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