Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
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