Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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