Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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