Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
