god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I party with great urgency now.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
