He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
