he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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