Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
