i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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