well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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