I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
