Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
