Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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