My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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