umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The Olympian is in my bed
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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