im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
