Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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