it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
