She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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