Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My feet surprised me
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize