You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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