I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
