How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
