just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
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