the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
