i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
