U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
