Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
